Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 4 More Years of Global Warming
The massive crowds gathered in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania were stunned this morning when the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his tree-trunk with a chart related to climate change. According…
FBI Orders ADT to Install Backdoor in Every House
FBI director James Comey announced this morning that he is working with home security firm ADT to have a special backdoor installed in each of their customers’ houses, a…
Iowa Hopelessly Waits for Candidates to Text Back the Next Morning
After a fun night of getting to know the Presidential candidates, Iowa now sits near her phone, checking every five minutes for a reply. The first thing Iowa did this…
Snowden Introduces Whistleblower on the Shelf Doll
Edward Snowden announced this morning via Twitter that he is releasing a line of whistleblower dolls to compliment the popular Elf on the Shelf doll. “I don’t…
GOP Factions Clash over Rules to Debate Drinking Game
With the third Republican debate only hours away, the GOP has yet to agree on the official drinking game for tonight. Weeks of intra-party debate have resulted in nothing…
America’s Long History of Nonviolent Protest
Last night’s riots in Baltimore have left me—and the rest of America—shocked, disgusted, and ashamed. Anyone who’s been to elementary school knows that the…
Insider: Iran Will Sign Deal with Fingers Crossed
An insider source has told Philadelphia Exquirer that Iran’s president Hassan Rouhani is planning to sign any upcoming nuclear agreement with his fingers crossed behind his back. This…
NRA Applauds Shooting in Ferguson
Following the shooting of two police officers in Ferguson, Missouri yesterday morning, the National Rifle Association’s Chris Cox applauded the gun owners. “The NRA has always supported…
Obama Taps Ned Stark for Sec. of State
Following John Kerry’s surprise resignation Tuesday, Obama has selected Lord Paramount of the North, Ned Stark, as nominee for Secretary of State. “Eddard Stark has a proven track record…
Most Tea Partiers Actually Prefer Coffee
Despite being the name of their cause and a foundational tenet of their beliefs, a new study released by Pew Research Center today reveals that most self-identified members of…