Local Bean Business Booming in Advance of DNC Fart-in

Members of the Poor People’s Economic Human Rights Campaign are planning what should be the largest fart-in in US history for this Thursday at the DNC, and that means good business for Philadelphia’s local bean industry.

“At first I thought they were joking,” said Tommy Levitt, owner of Somerton Bean Distributor (SBD) in the Northeast. “We usually only sell quantities this big to chain restaurants, public high schools, and feminist performance artists, because the results could be dangerous if you’re inexperienced handling the stuff. But once I started talking to the lady [Cheri Honkala of PPEHRC], I saw how well they’ve been planning this.”

“Often our concerns are not heard by the Democratic establishment, but this time they will definitely be smelled,” Cheri Honkala said. “We can’t force Congress to pass legislation, but we can pass gas. When they hear us all singing our sphincter songs in harmony, they’ll know how we feel about the Democratic nomination process: it stinks!”

An order of this size makes a notable impact on SBD’s sales figures, as well as its work force. “We actually had to bring on a few extra workers to help with this order,” Levitt explains. “It reminds me of the good old days when business was booming. The warehouses were full of hard-working Americans, and the streets were full of happy pedestrians playing their colonic calliopes.”

The protest will begin on July 28th with a bean supper featuring a spread of burritos, vegan chili, and Southern-style baked beans, as well as a performance by the Black Eyed Peas. After the meal, gas masks will be distributed, and protesters will let their fecal fumes fly.

Besides being great for business, Levitt says he also supports the protestors’ cause and might even decide to join the activists in South Philly to help promote his candidate. He summed it up in a little song: “As I always say, ‘Beans beans they’re good for your rump! The more you eat, you’re helping Trump!'”