Philly Streets Dept: City Built on Gate to Hell

The Philadelphia Streets Department announced via Twitter today that the entire infrastructure of our City of Brotherly Love is actually constructed atop a portal to the Fiery Inferno of Eternal Damnation. The tweet comes in response to numerous sinkholes that have been appearing in the city over the past year.

“Citizens have asked us, ‘Why so many sinkholes all of a sudden?’ It was really time we told our city the truth,” explained Donald Carlton, Deputy Commissioner of the Philadelphia Streets Department.

Rumors and speculation had increased recently due to the odd nature of recent sinkholes. Sarah Spinelli of Spruce Hill almost lost her car to one such pit. “It smelled of brimstone. It was too hot to go near it. And I could sense Satan himself nudging my good conscious toward an unforgivable, demonic act. I felt like something was fishy about it,” she told the Philadelphia Exquirer. However, she wasn’t particularly alarmed until she saw a group of priests in hazmat suits inspecting the damage. “I had to take Latin in high school, so I’m pretty sure that’s what they were saying.”

Some wonder whether the sudden surge in sinkholes could be a sign of the Second Coming. Carlton doesn’t seem to fear these rumors: “You mean like the Apocalypse? Quite possible.”