With the third Republican debate only hours away, the GOP has yet to agree on the official drinking game for tonight. Weeks of intra-party debate have resulted in nothing but a stalemate between the Tea Party conservatives and the Republican establishment. The former have been fighting for a bingo-card style game, while the latter prefers a drink-each-time game.
Speaker John Boehner, who is retiring from Congress on Friday, sees this impasse as his last major order of business, and refuses to give an inch to the Tea Party members. “Everyone knows that a drink-each-time game is customary for debates, because it’s the best way to get really shit-faced,” Boehner said in a press briefing this morning. “Every time Trump says China, that should be one shot of Fireball whiskey: it’s common sense.”
“We need a new approach that brings patriots of all ages ’round the television to participate in the democratic process,” said Senator Ted Cruz, speaking for the Tea Party, “and that’s why we will fight for a bingo game. It’s perfect for the kids, and great with a glass of merlot. I think even Speaker Boehner can agree with that.”
Some worry that this drinking game impasse will prove to be a turning point for the GOP, causing a schism that may be irreparable, but Boehner is not one such cynic. “The Republican Party is stronger than it ever has been,” he explained, “and that’s why I’ve decided very unexpectedly to retire and skip town.”
But regardless of the disagreement, there is one thing the GOP can agree on: their drinking game will be a hell of a lot better than the Democrats’.
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